Sometimes when you are in love, it’s hard to tell when abuse is creeping it’s ugly head in. After a few weeks, months or years of dating someone, you feel like you know the person, and start to think, “We just had an argument, it’ll be okay”. He may have called you a “stupid bitch”, or “accidentally pushed you” and since the love is so strong, you just think, “I love him, so we’ll be alright”. Then you kiss and make-up. BIG MISTAKE! Don’t be naive, when you see those Red Flags you need to run! I am glad to share my story, now that I am healed. I created a list of the Red Flags that I noticed early on, and didn’t take heed too. If you are in this situation, I hope that you do.
Here’s what I thought.
When I met my crazy-ex, it was like time stopped. I was completely charmed by the way he chased me for 3 years, searching for me high and low and finally found me. It was like a fairy tale.
You see, I met him when he was 19 turning 20 and I was 23. We tried going on one date, he took me to an amateur golf course/arcade ( I should’ve known then) and it just turned out to be a disaster. Luckily, I drove my car, thank God, and I remember being in line to drive the golf carts and he was winking eyes at another female in line. I didn’t waste anytime, I said “Look I’m out”. I immediately got out of line, and headed to my car. He ran after me, asking me where I was going, and said he was sorry. The date and the thought of getting to know him was already over in my head. I couldn’t start the car fast enough, that was how quick I wanted to drop him off, and get him the hell out of my car.
After dropping him off, I sped off so fast into the night, and never looked back. I deleted his number and it was over, just like that!
Fast forward, 3 years, now I’m 26 and he’s 23, I swear it could only be fate that brought us together.I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
He was driving his own car, and I noticed it was all packed up to the ceiling with boxes and clothes. He saw me walking into a building, and immediately hit a U-turn to stop me from walking in. He jumped out of the car, looking much different than what I remember. Taller, muscular thick build, a go-tee, and actually dressed like a decent man. [I’ll call him Julian for the sake of this article].
Julian had changed, he spoke with intelligence and maturity and his eyes were so sincere. He told me he was leaving for Arizona, and moving for good, and he was so happy he found me. I was shocked, and in a hurry because I was getting ready for a photo shoot. We exchanged numbers and parted ways.
From that day, we began texting and calling each other, catching up on new things going on in our lives, and laughing at the past. It felt so natural, I was thinking to myself “Is he my twin flame?”. You see I had been doing a massive amount of spiritual healing work, and I was in a surreal, vibrantly happy place. I just knew I must’ve attracted him into my reality. This time must be the REAL THING!
2 weeks later, we went on a real restaurant date, and guess what? He picked me up. He was such a gentleman. Our date was something out of a movie scene, I mean extremely epic. Julian opened doors, kissed my hand, treated me like a real queen. We talked over amazing food, had great conversations about love, life and spirituality, and I was blown away by how much he had grown and evolved.
Once we left, we went to a nearby park, and the golden rays from the sun lit every step, as walked and held hands. We found a nice shaded area under a beautiful tree, with the perfect little park bench. We sat, and shared our first kiss, and at that time, it was the most magical, passionate kiss I’ve ever had. I swear we lost track of time, and nothing else mattered in that moment. Sparks were flying, and we were now hooked.
I just knew my prayers and meditations worked and have been answered and now I have the man of my dreams, my twin flame, my true soul mate.
I couldn’t have been more blind.
It was odd to me, when my mother met him for the first time, and instantly said “Hell No, I know his kind and he is no good!”
In my eyes, he was spiritually evolved, cunning, smart, tall and handsome. I didn’t understand why she didn’t like him. I was a little offended that she didn’t see all the amazing qualities I saw.
Not too long after that, I introduced him to my friend’s and he didn’t hit it off well with them either. I noticed he was actually kinda’ rude towards them. I guess he felt the bad vibes, because my friend’s are very over protective of me, and they just had a bad taste in their mouth’s when it came to him and his attitude.
I started to get confused.
The truth was, I did notice he could be vulgar and brash in certain situations, and he also had a IDGAF attitude with most people, but somehow I still saw an amazing man when I looked at him.
The big deal breaker, was that my son didn’t like him, and at the time he was only 5.
Red Flag #1: When your closest loved ones don’t approve or sense bad vibes, something is not right. Remember they are seeing everything you don’t see.
Consequently, after just 2 months of dating, I slowly noticed my friend’s were backing off. The girls were so disappointed in my dating choice, they just decided to leave me alone, and allow me to live it out. Of course, we still talked and hung out every once in a while, but it just wasn’t the same.
I started noticing he was jealous of the relationships I had with my close friend’s and family. He didn’t like sharing me for too long, and it didn’t matter who it was. One day, he had the audasity to tell my mom, that the reason she wasn’t happy in her marriage was because she’s always sticking her nose into my relationships.
Red Flag #2: He’s slowly moving people out of your life. Isolation is the best way to get you alone so that you have no one else to call on but him. He will say its because he loves you, and doesn’t want people in your business. The truth is, he wants to cut your connections to people who love you, so they don’t get in the way when the real control starts.
After only 4 months of dating, I find out I was pregnant and deep down I was really happy. I had wanted another child for a few years, and my son had been asking for a baby brother or sister. On the other hand, my family begged me to get an abortion. At this point, they believed he was the devil, and my time with him was cursed. I felt it faintly, but it still didn’t register. All I knew is I wanted my baby.
After 3 1/2 long months of pregnancy, I decided that maybe my family was right. Maybe a child with him would be total chaos and a lifetime of agony and pain.
As much as I wanted my unborn child, I made the horrible decision to get an abortion. It hurt me so deep to not bring my child in the world, and there are times I still cry about it.
Once, I did the unthinkable, is when all hell broke loose. Julian was not the Julian. If i thought something was off before, the cat was really let out of the bag.
He was so hurt over the abortion, he became even more controlling, and now emotionally abusive.
Red Flag #3: Emotional abuse of any kind is pure disrespect. Period! Name Calling, controlling gestures, threats, constant yelling, are all open doors to the physical level. This is a sure sign that it’s time to end it.
The arguments became more frequent, about the silliest things. When his friend’s came over, he didn’t want me looking at them. If I did, it turned into a jealous rage. His attitude was so outrageous, that all the constant fights got us evicted.
Yes, evicted out of MY apartment, and all of the spiritual work I did was fading. I was changing into a different person. My face started looking different, I could hardly recognize myself. I cried and argued so much that I wore it like make-up. Or some days I would wear make-up to try to hide it, but when I looked in the mirror I still saw sadness.
Not too long after being evicted, he wrecked my car, so now we were subject to renting cars, and spending way more money than we had, and life seemed to take me for a ride I never intended to be on.
Red Flag #4 When you start to lose everything you’ve worked for including yourself-your on the path to self-destruction. At this point, you have a one way ticket to hell. You have to cut your losses, and not look back.
So anyway, I did it. I was the so-called “ride or die girlfriend” that was down for whatever, and willing to love him despite his flaws, and shortcomings. I believed we would “grow” through it.
The hot steamy sex put a strong veil over my eyes, and had me looking past every possible sign that spirit was trying to show me all along.
So the destruction train kept moving at full speed. i was so deep in, I couldn’t see a way out. How could I leave now? I would think to myself. I need him. I’m homeless.
So I stuck it out, motel to motel, city to city. Living on the run, running and hiding from life. He introduced me to drugs, cocaine to be exact, and every now and then I started using it to numb the pain.
Living on the run was stressful, I was losing weight, and feeling like a lower version of myself. I missed the old me, even had dreams about her even. She just felt so distant. I referred to myself in third person, because I lost her. I didn’t know who I was becoming.
From financial stress to jealous outrage, Julian hit me for the first time. I guess he was so disappointed with how things were turning out, that he found a way to make it my fault. We would fist fight, even though he was much bigger than I was, and it never ended well.
Long story short, after 5 months of taking all the b.s. I made my escape. I grabbed what I could, called my mom and the police and dashed out while he was sleeping.
When I thought of my son, there was no way I wasn’t going to live for him. I moved in with family, and life was breathed back into my body. I was hurt for a little while, even damaged. I allowed myself to feel the emotions, go through a short depression and let out a lot of pain. My pain made me stronger.
And in the end, I made it out on the brighter side of consciousness. I learned a lot from that relationship, but I also learned I didn’t have to go through that.
Spirit will always let you know which way to go, and its always best to listen to your first mind. I can say I wish I listened, but it is what it is. If my experience can help you, then I am glad to have gone through it.
Love yourself, and listen to your inner guidance, it will not steer you wrong.
Your Nubian Sister,